[On] The things you keep from telling yourself

So, no art. It's not that I haven't done anything.
I've done a self portrait in acrylic, an artist book, a really-really-half-assed personal ... THING, a couple of small paintings, and some other minor stuff... it's just that most of it has been on a time limit and I'm not happy with it.
I have this problem with finishing things see--or more accurately NOT finishing them.
I take on too much or get too ambitious and then drop everything half way. Once in a while though, I am not to blame.
Which is why I like t o blog I think. This is straight from my head. I cut off every entry when I feel ready to and there it is; done. Except I get the best of both world since the blog doesn't end. It never has to until I do actually. I love that's blogs give you a free cheat.

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Sometimes if you stop thinking and building ideas in your own head about who you should be you’ll stop putting boundaries around how you should feel to fit that.

So in a moment if sheer distraction I finally said exactly what has been bothering me about people. It’s not people; it’s the changing of people. It’s the moving tide of people into and out of my life and of my presence in theirs.

I feel replaceable.

And that goes against everything I want, need and stand for in this life I am _trying_ to build.

I think I should just stop worrying, but then when I do, when I relax, I think I relax too much. Things become so flexible when I just “am“, that time stretches to eternity. I can merely “be” for hours or days or weeks without change, without repercussions. Then I realize, there’s no reason not to be.

So fuck, if I’m going to be replaceable, I might as well as well make everyone else replaceable too.

Life Circus

No, it may not be the most creative or eloquent title for this post, however, it gets the point across:
Life is like a circus in which you are a performer. Most of us are jugglers, which is why it's not an issue anymore. No-one feels sorry for you or bats and eyelash if you say
"I'm so busy, there's just so much to do."
Too many jugglers taking stage.
We've become boring.
Then there are the tightrope walkers. You know who I'm talking about; those people who take risks, often with their eyes closed just for kicks (or hell, as a challenge) and manage to make it through without much of a problem. They're a little impulsive and just DO things.
THOSE people are entertaining.
In all actuality, that is my nature, but I'm not in any sort of position o do that right now.


I am terrible at time management, which is why I have trouble juggling things which have a deadline or require a set schedule. In other words pretty much everything.
Everything is so strict this year. There are no extensions, and I have several English projects as well as an Art History assignment due tomorrow,
plus a Physiology Test somewhere in the beginning of November, another English Project and a painting due next week.

Not to mention I promised myself a doctors appointment (partially to get a note from my doctor for my English/WC teacher) and I have work. Soon enough, hopefully--or not, I'm not sure anymore to be honest--I'll be volunteering at the AGO. Good for Art School Applications and who knows, maybe I'll switch from Studio to Art History? Oh yea. Social life. oh dear.

I swear I'm bipolar to boot, which just causes me to lay in bed, motionless and hopeless for days and the to get up one night at 2 am, finish everything I have overdue, run around like a decapitated chicken fixing all the shit I let pile up and then get exhausted and collapse in the same hopeless heap all over again.

*sigh* You'd think I'd be use to it by now, but I'm not. Still exhausting.

Anyway, I'll post some photos of the progress I'm making on my painting as well as the finished piece sometime next week.

Introdution to the Conditional Minimalist blog

I'm starting this blog as a relatively impersonal place to record my thoughts on various subject. Due to recent evets in my life, I have more or less overhauled my lifestyle. I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer, I very rarely watch TV (a couple of hours a week or less), I've really gotten into fitness and in general hae begun a "real" life instead of a virtual one.
In general, I just wanted a fresh page which has not been tarnished by my previous words.

...and already I'm having second thoughts! At least about the name.
I'll explain:

I chose the name of this blog because I'm a minimalist at heart.
I eat a limited diet, I bike everywhere, I don't accept the ideal of excess and don't believe that it's a necessity.
If it was up to me, I'd go back and wouldn't buy half the things I won now.
My clothing choices are not boring, but the lines and colours are subdued.
I work on making my writing contain as few words as possible in order to eleganty convey the point I'm trying to make.
In short, there are MANY reasons for my being considered a minimalist.

However, it's a little paradoxical because I dabble in pretty much everything. I study Art, Science and Skepticism, Fitness and Nutrition, a bit of history, some beauty and fashion, cooking and have an interest in sociology.
I suppose that's where the "conditional" part comes in.
Herein lies the problem. I'm not sure HOW I'm going to incorporate all of this into one blog.
I think I may have certain days dedicated to certain subjects (eg: Monday: Science, Wednesday: Fitness, Friday: Art weekends: mixed/free) or I might just post whatever I want and organize my posts into those topics.
We'll see. I'm still working on figuring these things out.