Wednesday, February 27, 2008

[On] The things you keep from telling yourself

So, no art. It's not that I haven't done anything.
I've done a self portrait in acrylic, an artist book, a really-really-half-assed personal ... THING, a couple of small paintings, and some other minor stuff... it's just that most of it has been on a time limit and I'm not happy with it.
I have this problem with finishing things see--or more accurately NOT finishing them.
I take on too much or get too ambitious and then drop everything half way. Once in a while though, I am not to blame.
Which is why I like t o blog I think. This is straight from my head. I cut off every entry when I feel ready to and there it is; done. Except I get the best of both world since the blog doesn't end. It never has to until I do actually. I love that's blogs give you a free cheat.


Sometimes if you stop thinking and building ideas in your own head about who you should be you’ll stop putting boundaries around how you should feel to fit that.

So in a moment if sheer distraction I finally said exactly what has been bothering me about people. It’s not people; it’s the changing of people. It’s the moving tide of people into and out of my life and of my presence in theirs.

I feel replaceable.

And that goes against everything I want, need and stand for in this life I am _trying_ to build.

I think I should just stop worrying, but then when I do, when I relax, I think I relax too much. Things become so flexible when I just “am“, that time stretches to eternity. I can merely “be” for hours or days or weeks without change, without repercussions. Then I realize, there’s no reason not to be.

So fuck, if I’m going to be replaceable, I might as well as well make everyone else replaceable too.

No comments: